PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PEOPLE.

This Is How To Deal With Passive Aggressive People      ***

Before we commence with the festivities, I wanted to thank everyone for helping my first book become a Wall Street Journal bestseller. To check it out, click here.

***

We’ve all dealt with it. The subtle manipulations. Always angling to get what they want, but still looking like a little angel. Making you feel like you’re the problem or like you’re crazy — but you can never quite prove it…

Then you read something about how to deal with passive-aggressiveness but it doesn’t seem to help. What’s the deal?

You cannot solve a problem if you didn’t properly diagnose the problem. And we’ve all been misdiagnosing passive-aggressiveness for a long time…

The DSM-IV describes passive-aggression as a “pervasive pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in social and occupational situations.”

So true passive-aggression usually takes the form of non-compliance. Does that sound like “manipulation” to you? Does that sound like endless deliberate head games? Nope. And that’s because what we usually call “passive-aggressive” isn’t passive-aggressive at all…

The proper term is “covert aggression.”

From In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People:

Covert and passive-aggression are both indirect ways to aggress but they’re most definitely not the same thing. Passive-aggression is, as the term implies, aggressing though passivity. Examples of passive-aggression are playing the game of emotional “get-back” with someone by resisting cooperation with them, giving them the “silent treatment,” pouting or whining, not so accidentally “forgetting” something they wanted you to do because you’re angry and didn’t really feel like obliging them, etc. In contrast, covert aggression is very active, albeit veiled, aggression. When someone is being covertly aggressive, they’re using calculating, underhanded means to get what they want or manipulate the response of others while keeping their aggressive intentions under cover.

Simply put: covert aggressives want to be bad while looking good.

To all aggressives, life is a competition — and they despise losing. But the covert aggressive is in some ways the most dangerous type because they don’t look aggressive. The teddy bear has claws.

So what are their tricks — and what can you do to stop them?

Dr. George K. Simon was the supervising psychologist for the Arkansas Department of Corrections. (Yeah, he’s dealt with the worst of the worst.) His book is In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People.

Time to get overt about the covert. So how do we know when someone is a covert aggressive? And how can we identify their manipulations so we don’t fall prey to them?

By reviewing their playbook, of course…

Covert Aggressive Tactics 101

First, a caveat: everybody does a few of these things now and then. Just because someone lies once does not make them a pathological liar. Don’t run around diagnosing people as pure evil because they occasionally dodge blame for something. That’s just being human.

However, if you see a notable, clear pattern of manipulative behavior — a number of these used frequently and consistently — your Spidey-Sense should be tingling.

1) Feigning innocence, ignorance or confusion

Playing dumb when something awful they did is called to their attention. When someone who is very sharp suddenly acts oblivious. When someone with a great memory becomes conveniently forgetful.

George Simon explains the motive behind it thusly: “The tactic is designed to make you question your judgment and possibly your sanity.”

2) Diversion and evasion

Never giving a straight answer to a straight question. Always changing the subject when cornered.

From In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People:

Manipulators use distraction and diversion techniques to keep the focus off their behavior, move us off-track, and keep themselves free to promote their self-serving hidden agendas. Sometimes this can be very subtle. You may confront your manipulator on a very important issue only to find yourself minutes later wondering how you got on the topic you’re talking about then.

3) Lying

But it’s usually not black and white, straight-up lies. Those are too easy to catch. They’ll lie by omission or distortion.

From In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People:

One of the most subtle forms of distortion is being deliberately vague. This is a favorite tactic of manipulators. They will carefully craft their stories so that you form the impression that you’ve been given information but leave out essential details that would have otherwise made it possible for you to know the larger truth.

4) Charm and Anger

Why respond to an accusation when you can just distract your way out of it with flattery and humor? If cornered, they may turn to anger. Remember: anger is an involuntary emotional response. If you see it suddenly switch on or off without good reason (especially after a previous tactic failed), that’s not a sincere feeling — it’s a gambit. They’re trying to intimidate and put you on the defensive.

5) Playing the victim

Covert aggressives don’t mind seeing people suffer. But you hate seeing people suffer — and they know it. So they’ll make themselves out to be the one in distress so your compassion becomes their ally.

From In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People:

This tactic involves portraying oneself as a victim of circumstance or someone else’s behavior in order to gain sympathy, evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. One thing that covert-aggressive personalities count on is the fact that less calloused and hostile personalities usually can’t stand to see anyone suffering. Therefore, the tactic is simple. Convince your victim you’re suffering in some way, and they’ll try to relieve your distress.

They’ll often combine this with vilifying the actual victim for a one-two punch.

6) Rationalization and Minimization

You want to believe they’re a decent person. That means you are looking for a way to excuse their behavior. And they’re more than happy to give you one. They use your natural tendency toward confirmation bias against you.

From In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People:

A rationalization is the excuse an aggressor makes for engaging in what they know is an inappropriate or harmful behavior. It can be an effective tactic, especially when the explanation or justification the aggressor offers makes just enough sense that any reasonably conscientious person is likely to fall for it.

Minimization is insisting it’s “not that big a deal” or “you’re blowing this out of proportion.” To detect minimization, listen for two words: “just” and “only.”

7) Guilt-tripping and Shaming

These two are their favorites. Covert aggressives don’t feel bad — but they know you do. And if they send you on a guilt trip, you’ll ease up with the accusations.

From In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People:

Manipulators are skilled at using what they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position… All a manipulator has to do is suggest to the conscientious person that they don’t care enough, are too selfish, etc., and that person immediately starts to feel bad.

And shaming is putting someone down to make them feel inadequate or unworthy so the aggressive can maintain dominance. The more you feel bad about yourself, the more likely you are to defer to them.

So…

Do you see a consistent pattern of these tactics being used by that special someone? (They will often shamelessly cycle from one to the next, waiting to see what gets a reaction before doubling down.)

If so, the best and most effective response is simple but not always easy: walk away. “No contact.” It’s quite hard for someone to manipulate you if you never deal with them again.

(To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my bestselling book here.)

Yeah, yeah — “no contact” isn’t always a realistic option. Maybe you’re married to them and have kids. They work with you and you can’t quit immediately. I get it. So we have to do this the hard way…

Suit up. We’re going in:

First, Address The Big Picture

Let go of the misconception that you playing nice is going to get them to play nice. They’re not like you. If they were, you wouldn’t have been nodding your head while reading the above. Treating a Bengal tiger like a kitty cat is a good way to get mauled.

Know your vulnerabilities. They already do. If you’re prone to being guilted, if you’re emotionally needy, too willing to see their side of things, whatever — you need to be aware of that and compensate for it.

And most of all, you need to be focused on the one thing that really needs to change here. Think it’s them? Wrong. What really needs to change here is the only thing you have power over: your behavior toward them.

(To learn how to deal with psychopaths, click here.)

I know: you feel screwed. You want to make them pay. Or to just say they’re sorry. Good luck with that. You can’t make them do anything. But you can control what you do… So what should you do?

Prepare

First thing you need is some boundaries. What will you no longer tolerate? And what will you do if they violate those boundaries? Go no further until you have concrete answers to those two questions.

Next, know what you want from them — and be prepared for consequences. If an aggressive feels like they’re losing, they’ll do anything to regain dominance. You need to anticipate their moves and know what to expect to protect yourself.

Finally, have a support system in place. You’ll need someone to provide you with a reality check and some emotional support when your CA realizes you’re on to them and starts upping the head games.

(To learn how to never be frustrated again, click here.)

Okay, prep work is done. What do you do next time you’re face-to-face and they start using their black magic?

Be On The Lookout For Tactics

I wouldn’t want to say you should memorize that above list of tactics… but, um, you should memorize that above list of tactics. It’s hard to properly counter something if you don’t know it’s happening.

From In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People:

Listen for not necessarily to what your manipulator says. Be constantly on the lookout for tactics. Label the tactics immediately when you detect them. Regardless of the kinds of tactics a manipulator is using, remember this fundamental rule: Don’t be swayed by the tactics themselves. Reinforce the idea in your mind that the manipulator is merely fighting for something. Then, respond solely on the basis of what you legitimately want or need. Don’t react instinctively and defensively to what they’re doing.

(To learn the four harsh truths that will make you a better person, click here.)

You’re not falling into their traps. Good. But how do you confront them about their latest infraction?

Accept No Excuses

If you are willing to accept an excuse, they’ll just start throwing excuses at you – deftly – until one sticks. Don’t be swayed by rationalizations. Plain and simple: judge actions, not intentions.

From In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People:

Getting caught up in what might be going on in an aggressor’s mind is a good way to get sidetracked from the really pertinent issue. Judge the behavior itself. If what a person does is harmful in some way, pay attention to and deal with that issue. The importance of this principle can’t be overstated. Remember, the tactics covert-aggressives use are effective tools of impression-management. They keep you second-guessing yourself about the true nature of the person you’re dealing with. So, if you base your opinions on your assumptions about intentions or are swayed by the various tactics, you’re going to be deceived about the character of the person with whom you’re dealing. Behavior patterns alone provide the information you need to make sound judgments about character. And past behavior is the single most reliable predictor of future behavior.

You need to keep the focus of the conversation on them. And avoid using sarcasm, hostility or threats. If you’re calm and polite, it’s much harder for them to say you’re the bad guy here.

(To learn how to win with a narcissist, click here.)

So how do you get them to do what you need — or stop doing what they do?

Make Direct Requests. Accept Only Direct Responses.

Without being rude, be as matter-of-fact and concrete as you can about what you want them to do. Do not give them the wiggle room that they love.

From In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People:

Be specific about what it is you dislike, expect, or want from the other person. Use phrases like: “I want you to…” or “I don’t want you to… anymore.” …it gives a manipulator little room to distort (or claim they misunderstood) what you want or expect from them.

A yes-or-no question can and should be answered with one word. If they won’t give it, they’re already laying the groundwork for their Houdini escape from the agreement.

From In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People:

Once you’ve made a clear, direct request, insist on a clear, direct answer. Whenever you don’t get one, ask again. Don’t do this in a hostile or threatening way, but respectfully assert the issue you raised is important and deserves to be forthrightly addressed… Most direct, appropriate questions can be answered with a simple direct answer. If you get more than that, less than that, or something completely foreign to that, you can assume, at least to some degree, someone is trying to manipulate you.

(To learn how to stop being a pushover, click here.)

And what’s the final — and single most powerful technique — for dealing with a covert aggressive?

Focus On Win-Win

Aggressives will often play ball if you have something they want. But if they have to lose, they’ll make sure you do too. So you absolutely want to propose as many win-win solutions as possible.

From In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People:

Remember that an aggressive personality will do almost anything to avoid losing. So, once you’ve defined some terms and conditions by which the aggressor can have at least something they want, you’re half way home. Seeking out and proposing as many ways as possible for both of you to get something out of doing things differently opens the door to a much less conflicted relationship with both aggressive and covert-aggressive personalities.

You want an agreement that is clear and enforceable because if there’s a way to wiggle out, they’ll find it. And whatever you do, don’t make promises you can’t keep — then they’ll have a legit reason to paint you as the bad guy.

But as long as you structure the bargain effectively, win-win is the single most powerful tool in your arsenal. Why?

Because it puts the unrelenting power of their aggressive personality to work for you.

(To learn the secret to overcoming bullies at work, click here.)

Okay, we’ve covered a lot. Let’s round it up — and learn how to avoid the worst possible scenario…

Sum Up

This is how to deal with passive aggressive (actually, covert aggressive) people:

• Address the big picture: Stop thinking they’re like you. Address your vulnerabilities. Focus on what you can control — your own behavior.
• Prepare for the next encounter: Establish boundaries. Know what you want. Be ready for consequences. Get support.
• Be on the lookout for tactics: It’s really hard to block a roundhouse kick if you don’t know what a roundhouse kick looks like.
• Accept no excuses: “I don’t care why you waterboarded Larry; my problem is that you waterboarded Larry.”
• Make direct requests, accept only direct responses: Yes or no will do just fine, thanks.
• Focus on win-win: It doesn’t force them to learn a foreign language like “kindness” or “altruism.” They get what they want if you get what you want. And if they won’t say what they want, then it’s definitely something you don’t want.

The worst case scenario has nothing to do with this covert aggressive person, actually. It’s all about what happens after…

Nobody likes to get burned twice, so it can seem quite reasonable to keep your guard up. All the time. To be forever vigilant and skeptical of everyone. But this is like fixing your roach problem by burning your house down.

Research shows that, over the long haul, trusting is better than not trusting. And starting off mistrusting can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yes, there are bad people out there you’ll have to contend with. But as Marcus Aurelius once said:

The best way to avenge yourself is to not be like that.

Dealing with bad people should always lead you to do one thing:

Appreciating the good people in your life all that much more.

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Wisdom from the experts by Eric Barker.

Barking Up The Wrong Tree October 9th, 2019 How to Be Happier Without Really Trying: 4 Odd Secrets From Research Inbox x Eric Barker Unsubscribe 6:03 AM (16 hours ago) to me Images are not displayed. Display images below - Always display images from eric@bakadesuyo.com Before we commence with the festivities, I wanted to thank everyone for helping my first book become a Wall Street Journal bestseller! To check it out, click here. How to Be Happier Without Really Trying: 4 Odd Secrets From Research (Click here to read on the blog) GOOD GOD, WILL YOU SHUT UP? Sorry. Wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the voice in my head... Don't look at me like I'm crazy; you have one too. That Inner Critic. Sometimes it’s worried and you get play-by-play color commentary on how everything could go wrong. Other times its negativity goes totally metastatic and it's all you can’t do that, they won’t like you, you should be ashamed, you’re no good. And still other times it's an impulsive child: Go ahead and eat the whole pizza. Forget work, there's TV to watch.  So many of our problems and bad behaviors are due to that voice. Anxiety, depression, lashing out, procrastination. Being human means frequent uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. And we'll do most anything to make them stop or to avoid them altogether. But that just makes things worse, really. Complying or avoidance means you're no longer in charge. You just gave the Inner Critic behavioral power of attorney. You're a puppet. And then we end up saying, "Why don't I accomplish the things I say I want to?" Or even worse -- looking back, when it's too late -- saying, "Why haven't I accomplished the things I wanted to accomplish in life? And how the heck did I end up here?" Sometimes it’s easy to understand why people used to believe in demonic possession. We can take some solace in knowing everyone deals with The Inner Critic. Sadly, we know this because humans have been looking for a solution for millennia. Oddly enough the two best systems we have to cope are both based on ancient traditions. The Stoics and Buddhists were taking a whack at this one (and making headway) long before the year odometer was at 0. Stoicism begat Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Buddhism begat mindfulness, each taking different angles on dealing with the Chatty Cathy between your ears. CBT grabs the thoughts by the throat and hits them with a rationality baseball bat. Mindfulness thanks the thoughts for stopping by and politely redirects its attention elsewhere. Obviously there are similar mechanisms at work under the hood for both but we really don’t know what the secret sauce is that makes them effective. Well, maybe not until recently... I just read something that hit me like a frisbee to the face. But I gotta warn you, it’s gonna seem a little weird at first. Got a second? Good. Stand up. Walk around the room. While doing that say this sentence a few times: “I cannot walk around this room.” Yes, you do seem stupid right now. Because what you’re saying and what you’re doing are in complete contradiction. But as we’ll find out, it's looking like that’s where the magic comes from. A recent study found doing this ridiculous exercise increased pain tolerance by 40%. People were able to keep their hand on a hot, painful-to-the-touch plate nearly twice as long. What's this mean? A brief reminder that those thoughts in your head aren’t always accurate and don’t have to be obeyed can affect us powerfully. It changes our relationship with the Inner Critic. We can more easily ignore it and do what we set out to do -- even when it hurts. No, it’s not magic. It’s not due to midichlorians or you being a Capricorn or because Mercury is in Gatorade, or whatever. And it’s not the power of positive thinking – in fact, quite the opposite. Nor is this some goofy one-off study. A research review of more than 44 other studies showed similar decoupling effects. This is part of ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). Hundreds of studies have shown its effectiveness in a wide range of arenas from depression to procrastination to anxiety. The book is A Liberated Mind and the author is Professor Stephen Hayes, clinical psychologist, originator of ACT, and a guy who is ranked on Google Scholar as one of the top 1500 most cited researchers ever, in all areas of study, living or dead. It's still early, this isn't yet canon, but it's definitely been validated enough for you to start experimenting with in your mental laboratory. And anything that helps hit the mute button on the Critic is welcome. (We've been waiting a few thousand years for more help.) Let's get to it... It’s not the content of your thoughts. It’s your relationship to your thoughts. Witnessing the tragedy of 9/11 firsthand, in person, is about as traumatic as it gets. So who do you think was more likely to have PTSD a year later – people who let themselves feel horrified or people who were determined not to be? Answer? The latter. We need to acknowledge our thoughts and feel our emotions. A pain and negativity-free life is impossible -- and undesirable. Pain is a feature, not a bug. I didn't say it was fun, but pain shows us what matters and what must be addressed. As Steven says, "You hurt where you care, and you care where you hurt." That’s why there’s no easy "off switch" for bad feelings. Try your hardest to shut down the negative and you will turn off the positive too. All or nothing, bubba. Fancy pants research says so. And, as we discussed, avoiding triggers isn't a good long-term solution either. Avoidance makes you a puppet and inevitably shrinks your world. We must accept those painful thoughts and emotions as part of life. Acceptance allows us to feel and to deal. The Stoics knew this, as does CBT. One of the most powerful gifts they gave us was showing just how much these unwelcome thoughts can dominate our behavior and that we must accept their existence -- but we don’t have to act on them. Huge win for mankind. Then Stoicism and CBT said we should do “cognitive restructuring.” We need to dispute and correct flawed habit patterns to fix them for good... But here's where our new research fits in, that walking-around-saying-you-can't-walk-around study. Turns out arguing yourself to rationality may not be necessary. From A Liberated Mind: Research shows that this part of the CBT approach is not what is powerful about it, and it often doesn’t work as well as learning to accept that we are having unpleasant emotions and thoughts and then working to reduce their role in our lives instead of trying to get rid of them. You may not need to win an argument with yourself to validate your choices. It's looking like the secret sauce is changing your relationship to your thoughts and emotions, rather than trying to change their content. That's the part we want to emphasize and double down on when dealing with the Inner Critic. CBT exposure therapy makes agoraphobics go to the mall to get over their fear. And it works. But it's looking like the active ingredient is how the exposure creates that contradiction between thoughts and reality. This rewrites the relationship between you and your Inner Critic ("The voice said I'd die if I went out in public, but here I am, still alive. I'm not taking that voice so seriously anymore.") Just like walking around the room saying "I can't walk around this room" does. So how do we directly target changing that relationship? What we need to do is "defuse." Cognitive Fusion is when a thought or feeling hijacks your brain. When you're lost in thought, bothered by something irrelevant, upsetting yourself when it has absolutely no bearing on the wonderful life around you. You choose imagined threats that exist only in your head to be your reality instead of the actual world around you. To be fused is to be immersed in a film, emotionally overtaken by the fictional presentation on the screen. Defusion is realizing you're in a movie theater and that the Jurassic Park dinosaurs do not exist and cannot harm you. With defusion we get distance from our thoughts; we look "at" them, not "from" them. As Steven says, our goal is to “see our thoughts with enough distance that we can choose what we do next, regardless of our mind’s chatter.” You don't need to fight the dinosaurs to win and be happy. They're not real. You can just let them go. (To learn more about how you can lead a successful life, check out my bestselling book here.) So how do we defuse? That's next. But I gotta warn you -- these exercises (like walking around saying you can't walk around) can be a bit odd... Name Your Brain Okay, so your Inner Critic is at it again: "You're lazy. You'll never get anywhere in life." Instead of sadly agreeing or fighting back, just do the most natural thing when any voice is talking to you. Ask: "And who is noticing that?" Because it ain’t you. Not the deliberate-you. You never decided to think that. It just bubbled up. You’re as responsible for that thought as you are for your stomach grumbling. Yeah, your body did it but you didn’t choose to. That's not the all-knowing, must-be-obeyed voice of God. It's a mind fart. So if thoughts are gonna come up without permission, from here on out, that’s somebody else. Give that person a name. Seriously. Steven Hayes calls his mind "George" and I’ve written before about my own bête noire and mental backseat driver, "Lefty." From A Liberated Mind: If your mind has a name, then it is different from “you.” When you listen to someone else, you can choose to agree with what they say or not, and if you don’t want to cause conflict, it’s best not to try to argue the person into agreement with you. That is the posture you want to take with your internal voice. Your Inner Critic will fight back, of course. But before you react, remember: it's your relationship to your thoughts that matters, not the content. Agreeing, disagreeing, obeying or resisting all mean you're giving "George" a vote. You don't have to. Be polite but firm. From A Liberated Mind: ...answer back with something like “Thanks for that thought, George. Really, thank you.” If you speak to your mind dismissively, it will continue right on problem-solving. Be sincere. You might want to add, “I really get that you are trying to be of use, so thank you for that. But I’ve got this covered.” Getting frustrated is just gonna get you wrestling with the Critic. That means you’re fused, and now you’re in an abusive relationship with your own brain. No bueno. Thank them politely -- and then go back to the real world. (To learn the two-word morning ritual that will make you happy all day, click here.) Maybe naming your organs is too weird for you. Fair enough -- but your Inner Critic is still calling you stupid over and over and you're starting to believe it. This isn't a problem. Actually I would encourage you to call yourself stupid over and over... Just A Word Go ahead, say it: “Stupid, stupid, stupid...” One catch: don’t do it three times; you have to say it 50 times. Say that word until it is utterly meaningless to you. Say a word 50 times and it just loses any sort of sense and you realize it is nothing more than sounds. And as Steven says, "You're going to turn your life over to that?" Or you can sing it. Or say it backwards. Whatever strips the word of any serious meaning. Whatever defuses it down to what it is: just a thought. A bunch of sounds. Nothing that can harm you or has to dictate your behavior. If the real Jurassic Park dinosaurs show up and begin consuming your co-workers, I 100% support emotional freak-outs, running and throwing desk chairs. But if it's just a thought, repeat it until it's clear that's all it is. (To learn how to deal with passive-aggressive people, click here.) Maybe that one works for you. If not, let's try the one that we know can cause a 40% pain reduction in controlled studies... Contradict Walk around the room saying, "I cannot walk around the room." Or vary the specifics to get the same effect. Clearly demonstrate to yourself that your thoughts are not reality. Change that relationship. It doesn't have to be embarrassing; it just has to be contradictory. If you're at work, spin a pen around your desk and mumble "I cannot spin this pen." Play with it until you find a variation that works for you. (To learn the 4 harsh truths that will make you a better person, click here.) Okay, last one. Some people may find this hopelessly corny but others will see it as deep and profound. And those who see it as corny probably need it the most... Little You Your Inner Critic is fueled by a lack of compassion for yourself. If we can forgive ourselves, that voice diminishes. But when we lack self-compassion, it's like giving the Inner Critic a megaphone. So let's hit you with a self-compassion defibrillator. Here's how: Imagine yourself as a wee toddler. Maybe 4 years old. Take a second to create a vivid mental image of Little You, the very platonic form of adorableness. Now have the Inner Critic’s words come out of their mouth: "I’m stupid." "Nobody likes me." "I’m no good." In their sad little child voice, eyes filled with tears. (This breaks even my cold mechanical heart.) You’d hug them. You’d tell them that’s not true. That it’s just a stupid thought. And if you can do that for Little You, why can't you do that for Big You? You may be bigger, older and perhaps a tiny bit less adorable, but you are no less worthy of your own compassion. (To learn how to have a long awesome life, click here.) Okay, we've covered a lot. Round up time. And we'll also learn Jedi-level defusion methods that not only reduce the power of your Inner Critic, but will also help you connect deeply with those you love... Sum Up This is how to be happier without really trying: It's not the content of your thoughts, it's your relationship to your thoughts: It doesn't matter what the Inner Critic says if you remind yourself not to take them seriously. Name Your Brain: You didn't choose to say, "You're a terrible person." Somebody else did. Somebody who, frankly, isn't always very nice to you and has a shoddy track record for predictions. Why take them at their word? Thank them and move on. Just A Word: You can't call yourself stupid three times. Gotta do it fifty times. At that point you won't even be sure it's an English word anymore. It'll be meaningless. Perhaps because it actually is. Contradict: Show yourself your thoughts do not control your behavior and they won't. Little You: You wouldn't let Little You torment themselves like that. Why is Big You any less deserving of kindness? Okay, Jedi-level. Seriously, get good with at least one of the techniques above before you try this, otherwise it can backfire. ONLY WIZARDS LEVEL 5 OR GREATER MAY CAST THIS SPELL. But I do want to mention it either way because it contains a very important idea. Robyn Walser is an ACT practitioner who helps veterans in group therapy. These are men with PTSD, facing the most serious types of judgmental thoughts that you could imagine. I shudder to think what my Inner Critic might be saying if I had killed people. If I had watched friends die and blamed myself. They desperately needed to defuse these thoughts but as you can imagine, it wasn't easy. So Robyn did something totally genius and totally gangster. She had each man write his self-judgment on a label and wear it on his chest so everyone in the group could see: "Murderer" "Evil" "Dangerous" "Broken" It sent a powerful statement. “I’m not going to let this judgment run my life anymore.” And the men got better. So Steven began trying this with his own groups. He had people name their shame and wear it so all could see. There were many tears. It was powerfully cathartic. But even more importantly, Steven learned something when people discussed the experience afterward that hadn't been initially obvious to him. From A Liberated Mind: Almost every single person could wear every single badge as their own. A deeply empowering realization thunders in people’s minds and hearts: everyone has the same secrets. Yet we become alone in our shame and self-judgment, not understanding that we’re all on a similar journey. No, you don't need to buy labels and sharpies. But with people who care about you, that you feel safe with, sharing your critic's words can be a powerful experience. You'll likely realize you're not alone. That others have felt the same. And that they don't see your critic's words as truth -- they're just a thought. A thought that isn't all that accurate and certainly doesn't give you the credit or compassion you deserve. We all have an Inner Critic. And yet we all think no one else does. That no one else suffers, fears or worries like we do. That we're alone in our pain. But if you open up and be vulnerable with those who care about you, the craziest thing can happen: That terrible shame we’re afraid separates us from others can actually bring us closer together. ***And if you want a daily insight, quote or laugh, you should follow me on Instagram here.*** Email Extras Findings from around the internet... + Want to know the simple secret to helping your kids get better grades? (And maybe making you smarter and more productive?) Click here. + Want to know how to make your LinkedIn profile perfect, according to Harvard career experts? Click here. + Want to learn the quick takeaways from Yale's popular course on happiness? Click here. + Miss last week's post? Here you go: This Is How To Make Your Kids Amazing: 4 Secrets From Research. + Want to know how the happiest couples argue? Click here. + You made it to the end of the email. Your Inner Critic probably said you'd never make it. I am flattered and impressed by your defiance. Dost thou know what time it is? That's right; it's Crackerjack time: Let's talk about DEATH. Don't worry, we're not going out on a sad note. In fact, far from it. Because the funniest obituary ever is here. Thanks for reading! Eric PS: If a friend forwarded this to you, you can sign up to get the weekly email yourself here.